


Moonlight

by orphan_account



Series: Afternoon [4]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Clubbing, Drugs, F/M, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Seungri-centric, Sexuality Crisis, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:48:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6967048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee Seunghyun cries for hours after the first time he’s had sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> I would definitely recommend reading Afternoon and its sequels before reading this!
> 
> This is a prequel to Afternoon.
> 
> Definitely Seungri centric, but gives insight as to how exactly Seungri sees Jiyong as a person.
> 
> Very angsty, I am sorry (I can't let this story go) x

Lee Seunghyun cries for hours after the first time he’s had sex. He’s fifteen and she’s someone he’s known since he was in pre-school - she looks nice and they’re both curious so they meet up one of the few evenings Seunghyun’s not busy with pursuing a career in entertainment.  
   Sex with her is okay, but as soon as he’s alone the tears start streaming down his face and he doesn’t know why, which scares him to death.

 

Seungri cries for hours too after the first time he’s had sex with a man. He’s twenty and he’s been out clubbing with his hyungs and other artists of YG. He’s still drunk out of his mind, when he stumbles out from the stranger’s apartment and he breaks down as soon as he’s outside and slumps down by the roadside.  
   Sex with the other male had hurt a lot, but Seungri doesn’t cry because of this. He cries because even if he felt like he’d been ripped in two, it was still the best sex of his life.

 

At twenty-one he’s in complete denial about everything and he chooses to avoid even the smallest things which have to do with sex and love all together. He wants to throw up every time he sees or meets a guy he finds attractive or nice in _that_ way he doesn’t yet have a word for. If the members find his behavior odd in any way they don’t point it out - at least not to Seungri himself.  
   He does suspect that they like to talk behind his back, though. He’s paranoid for nothing, because his mouth is zipped close and he knows they can’t possibly tell what he’s thinking just from his face alone.

Seungri looks himself in the mirror at night, trying to find physical evidence that something’s wrong with him, but other than the fact that he’s a bit hairier than his hyungs he never finds any.

 

When he turns twenty-two he leaves for Japan shortly after, and other than the occasional phone call from Youngbae or Jiyong he’s completely on his own. This means he has to venture out and make new friends, which he’s luckily ridiculously good at. He’s also become quite the expert at hiding every emotion and every thought he’s feeling or thinking that’s not supposed to be there.

Japan is a blast, even if he’s exhausted whenever he comes home to his hotel - whenever he’s left alone, left alone with his mind once again.

 

He thinks Seunghyun catches on to the fact that he’s not okay at some point, because he’s suddenly there all the time. They eat together and play together - Seunghyun even dances with Seungri whenever they’re out clubbing. Seungri appreciates the effort a lot but the one evening Seunghyun actually asks him about stuff he knows he’ll need to build his walls higher and stronger once again.

“I’m afraid you’ll collapse every second”, are the exact words of Seunghyun’s. And yeah, Seungri is too but he can’t do anything about it, he can’t sleep at night and he can’t allow himself to just be. His hyung looks worried and Seungri clenches his fists because if Seunghyun only knew he definitely wouldn’t be.

 

The fans are apparently going wild whenever Jiyong and himself interact on stage just the two of them, so Yang Hyunsuk sits them down one time they’re rehearsing a new choreography and tells them to up the fan service a bit more.

Seungri absolutely hates it every time Jiyong turns to walk towards him afterwards. Not that he shows or tells the older this, but he wants to claw at his own skin even hours after Jiyong’s touched him sort of intimately for show - he spends too many hours scrubbing himself raw in the shower after every concert, for months.

 

It’s not like he’s uneducated, though. He knows of homo- and bisexuality. The problem is, however, that he’s never spoken to someone who’s been open about any of this. The one man he’s been with Seungri doesn’t remember because of the sole fact that he’d been blackout drunk both before and after going to his apartment. He’s not even sure they ever spoke a single word to each other.

Feeling split, Seungri only feels worse - he’s twenty two and he doesn’t even know such a fundamental part of himself.  
   For a few hours that night he feels courageous too.

Then it all goes to shit.

 

Sex is not something he connects with feelings, no, to Seungri sex has become a way of coping.

The man who’s currently having Seungri bent over a desk, in what must be his office, apparently likes bruises, because he’s busy sucking a few into the back of Seungri’s neck. Not finding the words to tell him off, Seungri decides he’ll just have to cover them up in the morning - it’s not like Jiyong or Daesung have never turned up with purple marks on them before.  
   Seungri moans particularly loud when his prostate is finally stimulated enough. The guy behind him, who seems to be at least five years older than Seungri himself, sadly decides to spin him around in that very moment, lifting Seungri up so he’s laying across same desk only on his back this time.

The older is very good-looking and gazing up at his face whilst he pounds into Seungri turns Seungri on even further.  
   “You’re too pretty”, says the man above him, and Seungri loves both the deep voice and the compliment.

 

“Please tell me you’re looking after yourself”, Jiyong starts one morning after he’d called up Seungri asking him out for coffee and a talk. Seungri feels confused at first, because he’s not quite sure what those words mean, but Jiyong quickly explains how he’s talking about Seungri’s many nights out, “it’s just you never used to take many people home before, I just want you to remember what’s at stake here.”  
   Feeling terrified for a few seconds before realizing that Jiyong can’t possibly know who exactly Seungri hooks up with, he simply nods.

He knows he’ll ruin everything if this gets out, but his mind doesn’t know of rationality at the moment either.

 

Youngbae goes to church at least once a week, and though none of the other members are as regular as the latter they all believe in God. Seungri does too but tries to forget about this fact. He feels guilty whenever he thinks about Him, and he’s once again back to square one.

The studio is what he retorts to next instead, because Jiyong is there and the older is way too busy with his own life to notice if Seungri’s a little off. They make a lot of music, Seungri is learning many new things about lyrics and melodies, composing and mixing - he finds that he likes spending time with Jiyong once again. He’s able to shake off the horrible feelings the fan service always leaves him with and their friendship much resembles what it used to be like in their rookie days again.  
   One day Seungri asks Jiyong what his running heart tattoo means. The explanation he gets feels like a punch to the stomach.

He full on sobs into his pillow that night, feeling like his head will burst from all his thoughts swirling around his mind like a tornado.

 

Noticing how his four hyungs seem to be growing seriously worried for him only stresses Seungri out. He’s sure they’ll soon be demanding an explanation from him and he hasn’t got a clue of what to say.  
   The nights are long when he can’t sleep, so he’s developed a particular liking for long baths instead - he buys countless bath salts and fragranced candles, in the hope that the scent of lavender will calm him and the scent of cucumber will freshen him up after he’s gone without sleep for twenty two hours and probably won’t sleep for another either.

He even brings them with him whenever he visits Japan, which is quite frequently either for work or whenever he has days off. Home feels suffocating and Tokyo does not - he goes out with his friends at night instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. He meets a few men, but he’s too scared people will find out for these meetings to be more than one night stands.  
   Some mornings he wants to claw out his eyes as soon as he spots the red marks someone’s left on him, some mornings he avoids the mirror all together.

And one morning he wakes up to a familiar face and a familiar apartment. He doesn’t remember the night before, so the rising panic he feels disappears a bit - his friend next to him may have only offered Seungri a place to stay for the night.  
   Only they’re naked and in the bin he finds a used condom.

Said friend finds him minutes later as Seungri retches into the toilet. He blames it on the alcohol still in his system, but the fear in his blood is without a doubt the real cause.  
   “I take it you haven’t been with a man before?”, Japanese has become such a normal sound to his ears, that he doesn’t even think about it anymore as he tries to come up with a reply in his mind. His silence must speak for him though, because his friend’s eyes widen a little, “I only assumed since you seemed eager to be on top…”

 

As he’s flown back home to Korea all he wants to do is forget about that one encounter, hoping the other won’t say anything about it to anyone. He tries not to dwell too much in it, but it’s difficult when they share a whole group of friends and the Japanese like to gossip.

 

Fantastic Baby spits them all out into the world of real fame - worldwide fame and it should be exhilarating and it may also seem like it is on the outside; they go clubbing, blowing off all their newly earned money, scandals keep surfacing and it’s fun in the way that has Seungri feeling somewhat shameful at the same time. And truth is, in the midst of all, that he’s never felt worse. Jiyong has never been more depressed, locking himself up whenever he can and it unfortunately affects them all more than they’d like to admit.

Seungri himself cries every night, never knowing what’s triggered it anymore but he can’t hold back tears more than he can hold back his love for performing - everything is a mess and at the same time nothing’s ever been better.

Hara understands a little when he calls her. Kara is horribly popular as well and she scolds him with no anger in her voice for not having reached out to her before. Not that he tells her even half of what’s really tearing him down, but her voice is familiar and that in itself clears a bit of the black that’s consuming him.

 

Being crazy busy for the next year leaves Seungri exhausted to the point where he doesn’t even remember what it feels like to think about himself and his personal life any longer. In some ways it’s nice, in other ways it feels like hell. Always having to smile for cameras does however do him good, tricking his mere half-awake brain into thinking that these are genuine.  
   All in all he feels okay, he feels like he’s back to their rookie days, back to his trainee days where he never saw the daylight and lived to please others.

A scandal breaks about himself and some Japanese woman he’s never met, which has his hyungs scolding him and for a few weeks the demons return; those who tear him down slowly from within, those who tell him he’s not good enough, never will be and that he’s wrong, a failure, a mistake.  
   He pulls through, though, because by now he knows these thoughts so well, greeting them like old friends and forces himself to put up with them.

The tour is great and it’s a struggle to believe they’ve sold almost a million tickets; it’s only at their last show in January 2013 he realizes what they’ve just achieved. In a world full of people, Seungri feels blessed, maybe for the first time ever, to be himself - surrounded by his members, his staff, his fans and the way they scream out his eardrums feels better than ever.

 

He’s twenty-three when he comes out the first time. It’s forced and he doesn’t do it because he’s accepted that he may be interested in men romantically as well as the obvious sexual attraction. No, he’s simply hanging out at a restaurant after a schedule in Japan and it’s casually brought up how that one friend had mentioned hooking up with Seungri.

Feeling trapped in a world he only just started loving for real, he wants to run and never stop. He wants to scream from the top of his lungs as soon as he realizes that this is a part of him now, the part of him who is unfortunately unchangeable.  
   He gets so drunk he can’t see, several nights in a row, ignoring the worried calls Daesung gives him in hope that they’ll stop, that it’ll all stop.

A man offers him a small pill from the tip of his tongue and Seungri feels so little like himself already that he dips in to connect their lips, loving the way the older man’s beard burns his skin as their tongues swirl together and the drug oozes in his blood.

 

 _I want to die_ he writes on blank pieces of paper one evening until the words have no more meaning to them. They make the wish seem pointless then and the empty feeling he feels on the inside is a bit more bearable.  
   When he was younger he used to think this was the kind of stuff Jiyong did whenever he disappeared for weeks, realizing only now that he was probably right - only that his hyung must have done it solely because of his obsessive desire with being an actual artist. His obsessive desire to not feel anything and feel it all simultaneously.

And when it comes to Jiyong, Seungri has considered countless times over the last month whether he should share all these feeling with him. But since this particular hyung is the kind of person who is too caught up in his own mind, Seungri doesn’t. Jiyong has always been like a maze, unreadable and intimidating - someone nobody will never become a hundred percent sure of and familiar with. One will never know what they’ll find if they start looking for the very core that is Kwon Jiyong.

Bottom line is that Seungri’s afraid to go that extra mile and tell Jiyong everything - he’s scared his courage will be for nothing, that his hyung will react the opposite of whatever Seungri thinks he will. Coming out is not something he’s interested in; it’s like jumping into a pool of sharks and shards of glass. The odds of not getting eaten is much smaller than anything else.

 

The first time he admits to himself that he’s bisexual, he knows deep deep down that even that is not the truth, but he’s been in denial for so long already and his mind is fragile to begin with. He doesn’t fuck girls, this being the reason and he spends a whole night trying to calm down - even when he tries to actually accept himself for once he still feels dirty.  
   The admission comes suddenly and he doesn’t mean to, but it’s like an epiphany when he wakes up one morning having had an uncomfortably sexual dream about Seunghyun. It’s blatantly and painfully obvious by then, that the sex he has with various men, he has not because he’s having it offered to him - but because it’s actually a part of _him_ to want to have sex with them. The dream having been about Seunghyun confirms it, since his hyung is a man he’ll never get to actually be with like that.

From then on he flinches a little every time any of his members touch him, whether it being a squeeze on the shoulder or a full on hug - it’s not only Seunghyun he feels on edge around, it’s all of them.  
   He’s not interested in any of them beyond what friendship offers and even if Seunghyun is attractive as hell, completely Seungri’s type (tall, masculine and strong) it makes him cringe just thinking about bringing that dream to life.

 

Seungri starts recording his second EP around the same time Jiyong starts recording his second album. He knows his hyung has been writing and composing the songs for _Coup D’etat_ for over a year. Listening to the songs like _Black_ and _Crooked_ , he thinks that this is really what sets him and his hyung apart most - Jiyong has always been lost in his own mind, in the shell he uses to keep himself from the rest of the world. Seungri can’t write songs like Jiyong because what Seungri’s trying to do with his own sturdily built walls is to keep that same world away from himself.

The songs on _Let’s Talk About Love_ are of everything that Seungri is not. They’re an image, a lie, they’re from the heart of V.I and not Lee Seunghyun or even the carefully constructed persona who is Seungri.  
   Luckily the public eats it up. They love playboy Seungri, Gangnam Seungri, Seungri the special magnae of Big Bang.

What saddens him is not that. What saddens him is that none of his members know the real him either, at least not all of him. He knows the whole sexuality crisis is serious business when he realizes this, because if he has to hide away so much of himself because of who he prefers in the bedroom it can really only mean he’s been lying to himself most of his life.  
   He should have seen it coming, though, with all his ups and downs, all his different ways of coping with what’s really only the way he was born - sex, alcohol, insomnia, work and the drugs that one time.

In the studio he’s close to it all coming out of him like a tsunami - potentially destroying, threatening and angry. It’s only himself and Seunghyun who has come to listen to a few of his tracks, and they all sound so fake to his own ears that he wants to spill it out, right in that moment.  
   Looking at his hyung though, he can’t, doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to because it may end up being the single most selfish thing he’ll end up doing. Seunghyun looks proud of him and Seungri doesn’t want that special look to fade away.

 

Does the fact that he hasn’t been with a girl since he was twenty mean that he’s homosexual? Seungri asks himself this a little too often during the last months of 2013. He’s split between wanting to try being with a girl once again and being too scared to actually do it, because he’s not sure he’s ready to come to terms with whatever it may result in.  
   Deep inside he thinks he already knows what the answer will be. It’s not like he ever enjoyed sex with a girl and he’d been with a good handful before turning twenty.

On his twenty-fourth birthday the answer is forced on him like a slap to the face. His hyungs have arranged a mega party in Gangnam, rented out the whole nightclub and have apparently also decided on the lady he’s going to take home afterwards. Unfortunately Seungri feels the pressure of being the magnae and does as they want - he’s grateful that they’ve decided to throw him a party to begin with, so he drinks twice the pace he normally would and takes the girl dancing.

He wakes the morning after to a man in his bed and blurry memories of a chest too soft, a scent too sweet and the angry words of the girl as he’d told her off in his own panic. He clenches his eyes shut, feeling both ashamed and completely terrified, because the fact that he couldn’t go through with even as much a kissing a girl, the fact that he obviously sought comfort from this in another male proves it. Lee Seunghyun is definitely gay.


	2. In the midst

Millions of people know who Lee Seungri is. But they really don’t. And it scares even Seungri himself, how in this business you’re never completely sure you know the real people behind even your own bandmates.  
   He likes to think it’s different in Big Bang, but when Seungri himself is keeping so much from everyone who is to say the other four aren’t?

 

Vegas is crazy. Jiyong takes him out to the best clubs and after the first few drinks everything usually becomes a blur. Seungri only remembers dancing and more drinking, Jiyong surrounded by people and smoke from cigarettes - his hyung is G-Dragon in moments like these, looking like he wants nothing more than the attention people give him. He pays for Seungri against Seungri’s will, leaving the credit card behind as he disappears to fuck whatever woman he’s taken a liking to.  
   They come home at six or seven in the mornings and fall onto the king sized bed in their hotel suite, laughing until either of them falls asleep. And it’s the mornings like these when Seungri realizes just how much of a split personality Jiyong has, lending Seungri his credit card for show, loving the attention because he in reality hates it.

It’s particularly crazy on New Year’s Eve. They eat a fancy dinner and Jiyong flirts shamelessly with their waitress, who probably swoons behind their backs because Jiyong is such a charmer, such a stunner whenever he wants and tonight he looks especially gorgeous in all black, pale chest exposed and too many rings covering his slender fingers.  
   The music is louder in the club than it’s been the other nights and Seungri gets lost on the dance floor an hour before midnight, wasted but not enough so he makes his way through the heavy crowd to find one of the bars. He orders a round of shots for himself and gives out a few to a man standing next to him. They toast to the most ridiculous things and though Seungri’s all alone in a foreign country, his hyung having disappeared on him an hour before midnight, he doesn’t feel like he’s all by himself as he laughs with the stranger.

Five minutes to midnight he ventures back to the booth Jiyong’d reserved for the night to find the older’s returned, Diplo and his own group of friends having tagged along. Jiyong jumps out of his seat to greet him, clearly drunk out of his mind, and Seungri can’t help but laugh at the other’s eagerness. His hyung smells of weed as he hangs off of his shoulders and Seungri holds on just a bit tighter as they count down the seconds to 2014.

 

Around the middle of February, Seungri’s already exhausted again, 2014 having been incredibly busy and even if doing concerts and fan meetings is exhilarating he loses all his energy as soon as they leave the stage.

Youngbae is stressed out to the point of snapping at everybody, preparing for his album and Seungri feels lonelier than ever even if he tries to tag along whenever his friends meet up for dinner or whatever other activity - he feels as if the world is finally catching up with him, reality returning after Vegas and the whole month of January.

 

Sometimes he dislikes himself to the point of hatred whenever he feels like he’s yet again drowning in the sadness he’s felt for years at that point. As he lies in bed at night, unable to sleep because life is simply too much, too overwhelming and everything seems hopeless, he hates himself immensely only because he doesn’t think he should feel that way at all.  
   From the outsider’s point of view his life must seem like a dream, singing and dancing, touring and acting for a living and he feels that way too - only he’s a scared boy inside, a boy who has shrunk and shrunk from the man he felt like at sixteen.

It’s because he’s built up an imagine he can’t escape from and in order to do so he’s built up walls around himself he can’t escape either. He feels stuck even if everything that’s happening around him suggests otherwise. He shouldn’t feel sad, he shouldn’t hate himself but he does, so much so he sometimes wants to claw at himself till he’ll disappear.

 

Fan meetings with Youngbae and Jiyong are entertaining, his hyungs making him forget about everything but what’s important in the very moment.

Seungri thinks it’s tragic how, even if they act in unison on stage, the three of them seemingly having the time of their lives, they crumble as soon as they return to the hotel they’re staying at. Youngbae’s busy with conference calls regarding _Rise_ and Jiyong retreats to his room as soon as possible, leaving Seungri with no other choice than to go out with the friends he’s got in whichever city they’re at at that time - if he doesn’t he’s not sure what he’ll do in his loneliness.  
   And he’s scared. Big Bang haven’t promoted for ages, Jiyong keeping to himself at all times. Seungri’s scared because he doesn’t know of anything else than Big Bang, he doesn’t know who he, himself, is outside of the industry. He’s losing himself, but he’s too terrified to try stopping it.

“I’m worried for Jiyong”, Youngbae says one morning as they’re eating breakfast, their leader nowhere to be seen.  
   “What do you mean, hyung?”, Seungri feels tired, feels like they’re all in a never-ending tunnel going nowhere, unable to escape.  
   “You know how he is, but this time even I can’t get through to him at all. It’s not like him.”

 

Some days he’s fine, some days he isn’t. In the end he can’t even tell the difference. He’s being eaten from the inside out, it burns and stings.

One morning he has sex with the stranger he’d brought home the night before, not used to it whilst sober but it feels amazing if not better than any sex he’s ever had. The man holds him down, looking good even with bed hair and stubble. Seungri wants to cry, feeling all control slipping but loving it all at the same time. Loving the way the other pulls at his hair, bites his neck, moans into his mouth - loving the size of him as he pounds lazily into Seungri who hisses with the need to come. Loving the way strong arms hold onto him, helping Seungri to hold on to reality, to the hope that this will one day be alright, that he’ll one day find someone who’ll make it all okay.

 

Since their rookie days this is the first time Seungri sees Jiyong cry. It’s May and they’ve just finished up their last fan meeting in Guangzhou. Youngbae’s had to fly back to Korea right away, so Jiyong and himself are staying in a room together.  
   Seungri’s felt uncomfortable all night knowing his hyung’s been acting weird for months now, and he tries the best he can to push his own post-schedule distress out of the way in order to not worry Jiyong further.

Coming right from the shower, Seungri watches as the older finishes up a phone call with who must have been Kiko judging from the broken mixture of two languages. His hyung must not have noticed him though, because seconds after he’s put away the phone he hides his face in the palm of his hands, taking a deep breath, sitting completely still.  
   The older has never looked smaller Seungri thinks as he stands frozen in the hallway. Since Seungri was a trainee he’s always seen Jiyong as a person who could withstand anything without as much as blinking. It feels intimate watching his hyung like this, looking fragile like Seungri’s never experienced before.

They lie in the dark for what feels like hours, Seungri unable to sleep as always - too many thoughts circling in his mind, too much uncertainness, too many speculations and he turns to face Jiyong whose back is covered in the tattoos he’s gotten over the last couple of years.  
   “Seungri-yah”, it’s not clear whether Jiyong’s asking something of him or simply saying his name out loud. So all Seungri does is breathe, waiting for his hyung to do something, say something. And he does, after all. Jiyong turns around to face him looking five years older than he does when he’s out in public being G-Dragon. They search for something in each other’s eyes, Seungri almost scared to breathe because it’s been so long since they were last in a situation like this, clearly having left intimacy like this in the past. But the older scoots closer, fitting himself around Seungri like they used to years ago and it feels nice, Seungri thinks as he feels his hyung’s breath against his neck, “I miss being young and naive”, Jiyong finally says and Seungri finds himself agreeing.

If Seungri sheds a few tears of his own the minute he feels Jiyong’s on his neck it’s all right because at least they’re in this together.

 

The rest of 2014 is uneventful to say the least. Not that he’s not busy, but he misses the other members and he misses touring. He feels restless up until November, exhausting himself in the dance studio practicing for their Dome tour even if he’s already perfected everything hundreds of times.  
   Dancing is almost like meditation to him. It’s a way to escape everything around him for a short while and all the exercise that comes with it helps with his mood too. Not having done any promo for months has made him feel like being in a constant loop, but with practicing again and again comes the well-known feeling of excitement.

On tour it’s not hard to be V.I for the first time in ages. He feels genuinely happy surrounded by his members and their fans, so if Youngbae’s a little off from promoting almost all year or Daesung’s having a bad day, Seungri finally has the energy again to make up for it.  
Not that the fans ever noticed how hard of a time he’s had, but it’s something else when his heart is finally in it. He can breathe again.

 

They start recording _MADE_ in January 2015, Jiyong wanting it to be more perfect than perfect and Seungri suspects it’s because these new songs were all written at the hand of a depressed Kwon Jiyong.  
It tugs at Seungri’s heartstrings knowing how hard their leader always is on himself, how he always bottles up all his feelings until he can’t take it anymore. The older has always been a mystery, a riddle Seungri’s never been able to figure out and at times when Jiyong’s slipping through their fingers, Seungri’s fingers too, running from everyone and everything it dawns on him that he actually doesn’t know the older at all.

The lyrics to _Loser_ only confirms what he already knew. They’re so dark they give him chills the first time he goes over them, and he looks up from the white paper at Jiyong who’s on the phone to whoever, dark circles pooling low beneath his eyes and Seungri wishes he knew how to make it better.

 

He sees Choi Sejun for the first time at a business event Seungri goes to as a plus one of one of his wealthy friends. The man is dazzling, looks attractively mature and important in an expensive suit with a flute of champagne at hand. Seungri feels like a troll compared to him and even if he wants to, because this man seems so out of reach, he can’t look away.

 

He speaks with Choi Sejun for the first time a month later at a party and it’s almost as if he looks even better than last time. Standing next to him Seungri’s almost a head smaller than the man, who is also six years older.  
   Seungri feels nothing but ridiculous pining for this important businessman who probably already has a wife and kids, so after they’ve traded pleasantries, the older’s voice dark and raspy, Seungri hurries to the bar and orders whatever drink holds more alcohol.

It’s the first time Seungri experiences lust like this, deep in his gut like he’s only ever felt during particularly nice sex. Knowing feelings like these would mean a potential romance if it wasn’t for the other person being a man, Seungri feels the well known too familiar frustration well up inside. If only he were normal.

 

He’s drunk. Again. And some girl is against him like they’re magnets, she being obviously attracted to him and Seungri should feel the same except he’s broken. Like a magnet he should want her close, but something in him tells him to push her away. Except he doesn’t, not this time, this time he won’t so he lets his fingers ghost their way around her waist, feeling her heat against him as they dance.

Wanting to fuck her, but feeling unable to at the same time makes him want to scream. He’s kissing her like he’s done a few times tonight as he’s having her pushed up against the inside of the door to her apartment.  
   He feels anxious knowing he can’t possibly back out now, knowing she knows exactly who he is but he doesn’t feel anything at all inside. The breasts against his chest are soft and nice, but they’re nothing more than that. Her skin is soft and milky, which feels good beneath his fingers too.  
But he loves the feeling of hard pecs against his own, the musky smell of man as he buries his face in the neck of a stranger whose skin is slightly rough, hair and muscle in places no woman has.

Before he knows what he’s doing he steps away from her, feeling empty inside as she stares back at him, lips swollen and hair messy.

 

The third time he meets Sejun the man approaches him first. He points at Seungri who feels a little confused at first until the older man says: “You bleached your hair”, in the same dark voice as back in March. It’s July and Seungri’s surprised the older even remembers him, “I like it”, Seungri, who usually talks like a mad-man doesn’t know what to say. There is something about the way Sejun looks at him that makes him want to reevaluate the whole situation, that is until the man before him offers to buy him a drink.

They have sex that night and Seungri’s so drunk he only remembers because his chest is covered in love bites the morning after.

 

Properly touring again is wonderful. Though it’s a lot of concerts, long days and late nights the members work together better than ever - Seunghyun cheers up Daesung a lot, caring for him like he wouldn’t for anybody else. Youngbae’s voice is better than ever and Jiyong’s definitely back to his normal self after what feels like forever.  
   This time, instead of feeling like trash, Seungri feels content coming down from his post-concert high every night. And though it’s in the tabloids that he had a one-night-stand with some girl, it’s nothing they’ve never encountered before so his members cheer him on and Seungri pretends he had actually fucked her.

Whenever they have time outside of schedules they meet up for dinner and drinks, either out and about or staying in. Seungri’s never felt better about a comeback during his nine years in the industry, feeling the endless love from VIP and their families.  
   At some point around October he does however start feeling bad. He’s hiding so much of himself, has been for so long that it’s become natural to him whenever he lies about hookups and female celebrities he jokes about wanting to meet up with in private. He looks at his hyungs and feels split yet again - with all the love they always give him, accepting him nine years ago to this very day, he feels like he owes them the truth. Only the truth might end up being a burden.

 

But he starts seeing Sejun again in December as the older invites him out on what sounds suspiciously like a proper date. It dawns on Seungri around ten minutes before they’re about to meet that this is his first date of his whole life. And it makes him so nervous he almost cancels on the other.

 

On their third date Sejun kisses him. And it’s not deep or dirty or suggesting like Seungri’s used to when it comes to kissing. It’s short a sweet, testing and Seungri feels his heart beating in his chest like he’s never experienced before. He almost feels drunk, almost like he’s on drugs, floating as heat doesn’t go south but to his cheeks instead. He doesn’t feel 26, no, he feels like he’s 17 all over again.  
   “Give me a call if you want to meet up again, okay?”, is what the older leaves him with, Seungri only now returning to reality as he nods dumbly and smiles the best he can.

Because he’s not stupid. He knows what love is supposed to feel like - he sings about feelings like these for a living. He knows that the way he feels inside means he’s developing feelings which are exclusively for Sejun, even if they’ve only met a few times.  
   He guesses that’s what makes it special though. And if it’s something special there can’t possibly be a way around it. In his life he never thought he’d ever get to meet a man who’d want him for more than a nice fuck, and it makes his stomach flip with nausea.

This tall, handsome man named Choi Sejun has most definitely poked Seungri’s heart made of ice and cracks - Seungri feels warm in a way he has never.

And it’s both exhilarating and frightening because it gives him, for the first time ever, a reason to tell the truth. It’s a one-way ticket to the other side of the claustrophobic closet he’s hid himself away in for nine years.


	3. After

The worst part of coming out is how Seungri understands exactly why both Daesung and Youngbae leave the room. Seunghyun isn’t there so Seungri only has to wait for Jiyong to leave as well. He almost regretted the words he’d spoken the moment they’d left his mouth, watching the blank faces of his members and feeling so disgusting he’d wanted to run. Home to his stupid bath salts that at least make him feel clean for a little while.

But he tries to act brave anyways. Looking at his hyung standing in front of him who in turn looks as if he’s trying to grasp what Seungri just told him, “I don’t want to feel like I need to say sorry for this, hyung, but if I have to I will”, he says watching Jiyong closely. He’s looking for any sign that the older is uncomfortable, angry or disgusted but he doesn’t necessarily find any.  
   “But, Seungri-yah, the model?”, he should have expected Jiyong to feel confused. Seungri _had_ bragged about fucking her back in autumn as the news had broke after all.  
   “Hyung, all I’m asking is for you to not hate me. I’m not ready to explain myself yet”, it’s the truth, Seungri realizes. He’s terrified that Jiyong will hate him and he’s also terrified to talk about his sexuality more than he already has. All he wants to do is leave, whole body aching from anxiety.

Jiyong hugs him instead, body warm but tense and Seungri can’t relax either.

 

He calls Sejun again in January 2016, wanting for something in his life to at least feel right. He doesn’t exactly know what he seeks in the other man, but he knows that what he feels for him is the closest he’s come to loving another man romantically - not only sexually.

The first time he kisses Sejun properly, their one-night-stand long forgotten, Seungri feels something in his stomach he’s never felt before. It’s like it flips, flutters and he sighs into the other man’s mouth, liking how slowly their lips caress each other, loving the way Sejun’s hands feel on his neck, on his lower back. He feels secure in the arms of the other and it scares him but mostly he feels okay, which he hasn’t for a month.

 

The hardest part about having come out is the concerts. Seungri hates how his members act indifferently towards him, like everything’s like it’s always been. He still hates the fan service he and Jiyong do and he, for the first time ever, hates the way Youngbae teases him on stage seeing as the older doesn’t speak to him otherwise.  
   It’s hard believing that coming out would be the cause of even more lies, an even faker image and Seungri just wants to disappear.

So he leaks a few photos he’d taken of himself and Sejun in a mirror. They’re grainy enough so nobody will have direct proof that it’s them, but still clear enough to cause a stir.

It warms his heart a little how frantic Jiyong gets but as soon as he realizes the other might only feel like that because he’s frightened for his own career and not for Seungri’s wellbeing, his heart freezes back up into the block of ice it’s come to be.

 

Seungri loves the way Sejun holds him. Like he’s something precious, like he belongs right there beneath him or above him. However the older wants him.

 

Jiyong writes him a song in April and Seungri wants to cry realizing that his hyung is actually _accepting_ him once again, for who he is. At night he wonders why but something in him tells him not to dig too deep, not to think too much into the actions of the older.

And then Jiyong falls back into his black spiral and Seungri feels like he needs to do something to make Jiyong feel okay, but he doesn’t know what. He never knows what. It’s like a game - sometimes he feels like he knows Kwon Jiyong and sometimes he’s not even sure if he’s ever actually met him.

They go out for sushi and Jiyong’s gaze on him burns.  
   Then the older leaves for a month.

 

Having a lover is nice, it’s the first safe thing in his life in a long time and Seungri enjoys the time he spends with Sejun. They go out on dates, they travel a bit and the sex is amazing. Seungri loves the way the older man takes him, so much confidence, so much of something else Seungri can’t pinpoint until the older tells him he loves him and Seungri’s orgasm hits him harder than ever.  
   They lie on Sejun’s bed, the older’s fingers trace patterns on Seungri’s skin and it tickles but he can’t find it in himself to tell the other off.

 

He sees Jiyong in the studio right after the older has returned from Paris. Jiyong doesn’t notice Seungri though, because he’s fast asleep on the desk in front of him.  He looks like shit Seungri notices, like he hasn’t slept or eaten for days and judging by the state of the studio itself he’s not far off.  
   It’s in moments like these he’s sure he’ll never get to know the person behind Big Bang’s leader and that’s why he turns around to leave the studio without waking up the man before him.

Instead he meets Youngbae on his way out, the older probably knowing something’s wrong seeing the expression on Seungri face as he quickly hurries to the studio himself.

Youngbae calls Seungri that same night and Seungri’s stomach feels uneasy for some weird reason as he picks up.  
   “It’s probably best if you stay away from Jiyong for a while, Seungri-yah”, the words are some he’s never heard before. It’s not like Youngbae to control the actions of other people, so Seungri’s naturally confused that he’s being asked to stay away from a person he’s so close with.  
   “What do you mean, hyung?”, he asks, scared he’ll annoy Youngbae.  
   “He’s just not his best self at the moment, is all”, and Seungri tries to understand;

Tries to understand why it’s okay for Seunghyun and Daesung to go visit Jiyong. Tries to understand why Seungri’s seemingly the only person in the world who Youngbae doesn’t want near Jiyong the next week.  
   But he can’t. It feels wrong staying away when Jiyong’s obviously not well and Seungri feels left out like he’s only ever felt ten years ago.

 

When he sees Jiyong again, a few hours before they have to record Running Man, he holds his hyung close, praying he won’t be rejected.

 

He should be used to it, the world collapsing around him, when Yang Hyunsuk calls him the day after filming. The world spins and spins as Seungri falls on his knees in front of the toilet, retching violently whilst struggling for breath, sputtering into the white porcelain. He’s already so sure how this will turn out and the irony of it all stings because a couple of months ago this is what he’d hoped for; he’d wanted photos leaked of him and Sejun, he’d wanted the world to hate him if that were what would happen.. but now.. now he’s shaking on the floor wishing himself away from this very reality.  
   Because the fact that the few who know still love him, accept him, is enough. He doesn’t need for the world to prove to him how wrong he is anymore - not if those standing him closest don’t think he is; wrong, that is.

The next thing he knows Jiyong is there, making the situation so much worse and so much better at the same time.

And as the older holds him, heartbeat soothing in a way, he wishes for this to all be a bad dream.

 

The first time he kisses Jiyong he doesn’t feel like he did with Sejun. There are no butterflies, no pleasantly frantic heartbeat. He feels desperate, so alone he thinks this time he might actually burst and his brain has stopped functioning. All he feels is heat and Jiyong’s lithe body against his own, the older small beneath him and Seungri can’t control himself.  
   He’s scared, terrified because in a few days he’ll be alone once again. Sejun, who he loves, is going out of reach because of something Seungri can’t control and it hurts. It hurts both because he doesn’t want the older to leave, but also because he’s so fed up with the loneliness he’s felt for years without a lover and he feels so desperate inside and Jiyong’s right there.

He doesn’t even process what they’re doing until he does and he breaks the kiss, staring down at his hyung whose face is swollen from sleep and brown hair a mess on top of his head.  
   “Hyung.. I just.. You just.. I just want to feel normal”, is all Seungri’s able to say, thoughts messier than ever, feelings of shame, self-hatred, embarrassment making it impossible for him to speak anything coherent, “I’m so sorry.”

The way Jiyong reaches out, though, the way the older pulls him close and kisses his face makes Seungri feel secure like he didn’t potentially just lose everything.

 

With no knowledge of when or why Seungri’s whole world suddenly revolves around Jiyong. So much so when he breaks up with Sejun he doesn’t feel anything but a little sad that Sejun seems to take it a little too easily. He tries calling Jiyong after but the other doesn’t pick up and over the next couple of weeks the only person Seungri sees outside of work is Youngbae.  
   He doesn’t know if Youngbae knows what happened between himself and Jiyong but seeing as the older tells him he hasn’t spoken to their leader for weeks either, he thinks not.

“Some day you’ll stumble across someone else, you know? And then, maybe then, the timing will be right too”, Youngbae says over dinner one night and Seungri doesn’t know what to reply, because when will the timing ever be right?  
   “I don’t mind hiding, hyung, it’s only that the world now thinks I’m dating some girl who doesn’t even exist”, he’d been grateful when Hyunsuk had paid off the tabloids, having deemed the scandal too massive if the identity of whoever the items in Seungri’s apartment belonged to were revealed.  
   “If I were you I don’t think I’d have it in me to be as strong as you are, Seungri-yah”, the words should make him happy, proud even, but they don’t.

 

It’s only days later he finds himself on his knees in front of Jiyong. Something out of this world must have possessed him to do this, but he can still feel the older’s lips on his neck as well as the warm palm on his waist. Jiyong is hot and heavy on his tongue, the musky taste almost non-existent from the shower he must have taken before Seungri showed up.  
   He loves this, he realizes, he loves the older’s small noises, whimpers, from above and the way his thighs shake as he comes down Seungri’s throat.

Boston becomes something special to Seungri which he can’t put into words and he really tries not to, but all he craves for months after is Kwon Jiyong.  
   And he knows he shouldn’t - he knows the older simply knew Seungri would never reject him. So when he finally sees Jiyong again he puts on every mask he’s ever worn and acts like he’s fine, like Boston never happened.

 

He writes a song. It’s for Jiyong and it’s never meant to see the light of day until it does. It’s not that he loves his hyung romantically, it’s only that he thinks he actually could if only the older would let him.

 

“I haven’t been alright for years”, he breathes into his phone one night he lies at home in the dark, thoughts swirling because what he’s been up to with Jiyong recently is dangerous. This became evident to him when Jiyong had dragged them to an underground club, offering himself to Seungri in a way that had made it almost impossible for him to refuse.  
   “I always knew you were a good actor, but really?”, is all Hara says back and Seungri closes his eyes. She’s his best friend and yet she doesn’t know half of what’s going on in his life.  
   “I like men”, he whispers, it being the first time he says it outright like this. She doesn’t answer and the silence is swallowing Seungri whole, “and I’ve known that for almost a decade. I ha-“, but he’s interrupted by Hara’s shrieking voice:  
   “Don’t say that! Don’t you dare to tell me you hate yourself”, now Seungri’s the one who doesn’t speak. He listens to her and realizes that she might be crying. His stomach churns.  
   “Don’t cry, please.”  
   “How can I not?”, she sniffles and all he wants is to hold her, “I can’t believe I haven’t been around for all of this, I mean I guess I saw it on your face that you have been having a hard time, but don’t we all?”, she sounds bitter through the phone and he sighs because she’s right. They all suffer in one way or another.  
   “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to burden you with my problems”, he offers and she makes a noise in the back of her throat as if she wants to say something but ultimately the line stays silent.

 

He has sex for the first time since Boston and it’s desperate, frantic, harsh without any feelings. Seungri fucks up into the man riding him and they moan loudly, voices raspy from the alcohol they’ve both consumed at the noisy club they met in.

 

They’re practicing choreography for days before their comeback in December 2016 and it allows for Seungri’s thoughts to travel elsewhere than to his own stupid misery.

He’s come to terms with his sexuality. He’s come to terms with the fact that he won’t ever live a normal life because of this. He’s alright without Sejun. He shouldn’t still feel so sad, but he does because now Jiyong’s walked into his life in this whole new light he simply can’t just shut the blinds on.  
   So instead he decides to stay away from his hyung as much as possible, scared what will happen if he tries to get too close. This he does to protect himself as well as all of their damn careers and it’s nothing new in his life facing the possibility of taking risks, which will potentially end this whole adventure they’re on together.. but this time it’s a risk he’s actually not sure he’s ready to take.

 

And then one evening Jiyong’s there, knocking on his front door like they’re little kids asking each other to come out and play - only Seungri doesn’t want to. But Jiyong being Jiyong steps inside and Seungri being Seungri lets him.  
   The older looks tired, overworked like usual but in his eyes is a spark which Seungri’s never experienced in them before. He looks determined in a way that still seems unsure and it makes Seungri’s heart beat a tad faster for some reason, always unknowing of what will come next standing in front of this man.

They both speak simultaneously, Seungri having said something he already regrets and Jiyong stares at him, “what did you say?”, Seungri asks.  
   “We can’t be together”, Jiyong only voices what Seungri already knows so he doesn’t answer the question.  
   “You don’t love me, hyung”, he says instead because it’s the only truth he can speak about whatever’s between them.

But Jiyong does. Jiyong apparently loves him and Seungri feels warm all over as if his insides are boiling and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. But he looks at Jiyong and realizes that he at least knows one thing - and that’s how much he wants the other man.

 

The first time Seungri has sex with Jiyong he feels for another person like he’s never before felt. Jiyong’s body is gorgeous beneath Seungri, his skin as good as glowing, his face concentrated, gaze trusting and Seungri realizes way too late what’s actually happening. This is Jiyong giving himself to Seungri like he’s probably never given himself to any other person on earth.  
   His hyung is tight around him, warm and Seungri has trouble not coming for the first few seconds.

Kwon Jiyong has always been perfect in his eyes but in this moment it’s the first real proof Seungri’s ever gotten of this. The sounds the other makes, the small pants he lets out, his scrunched up face and pliant body makes Seungri sure he’ll never want anybody else ever again.  
   So he places kisses everywhere he lips can possibly reach until he finally claims those pouty lips which belong to the older once again, sucking the bottom one into his mouth as Jiyong moans airily. Seungri feels dizzy at this point, holding so much back whilst still giving so much of himself at the same time.

Their bodies don’t fit together at first, Seungri drunk on the moment itself and Jiyong unused to the position he’s in but that somehow doesn’t kill the mood in the slightest. They’re both glistening with sweat in record time, nerves having build up and Seungri buries his face in Jiyong’s neck for a short moment, loving the scent and the soft skin.  
   He then sits up on the back of his own feet, thrusting into his hyung at a new angle whilst wrapping his hands around the neglected cock. Seeing Jiyong enjoying sex with him has Seungri’s vision blurring and he only just picks up what Jiyong says before gasping back at him: “You look so beautiful like this”, speaking the truth like he’s never spoken it before.

He doesn’t actually mean what he says afterwards, washing off Jiyong’s cum from the tattooed stomach, but he knows it’s the truth:  
   “You need to stop loving me after tonight, okay?”


End file.
